True Grit

Working as a janitor at the middle school has its rewards. Here’s one for ya. One day I was sweeping up the hallway and I see this piece of paper all folded up on the ground. I pick it up and unfold it and see that it’s a note. The handwriting was bad so I couldn’t make out every word but man it was a good one that I found! It was a godsend!

This kid tells his buddy, Chris, that he might have seen the “Phantom Pooper.” Now, this note could help me break the case of the “Phantom Pooper.” See, there’s a boy who goes into the bathroom and takes a shit in the urinal. But nobody knows who this kid is. Nobody ever sees him and I take it this kid isn’t braggin’ about what he’s doing to nobody. I mean it has to be a boy. How could a girl do it? If it was a girl, why not just go in the girl’s bathroom?

So, this “Pooper” really pisses me off cause guess who has to remove the turd? Yeah, me! Anyway, the bit that was important in the note was that the kid saw a guy walk out of the bathroom was wearing a skin-tight shirt that said “King Diamond” after there was a turd in the urinal. I think I might know who that is. It’s that fat senior burnout Jeff Hageman. That kid came to school with a hole in his shirt the other day that was right over his nipple. We all saw how pink that kid’s nipple was that day.

I hear that kid Jeff makes the freshman walk across the football field with a pickle in their ass. The worst part is that if the pickle comes out, then you have to bite the ass end of the pickle. I saw this happen one day. But I don’t remember if Hageman was there. Anyway, it is some sort of thing that seniors do to freshmen that’s goes way back to when I was a kid. I gotta keep my eyes peeled now.